There were days… make that weeks… no, let’s be real, there have been many months in the last year where I felt like I was living in a perpetual vortex of Mercury Retrograde. I was never even an astrological believer, and now I need something to explain what’s happened. It’s strange to feel so much shame, so much hurt that it’s hard to stand up. I recall one day when I felt so lonely and sad that literally moving from a bent over position to an upright posture hurt.
I experienced hurt from a relationship I was in, which led me to distance myself from a few close friends. Knowing that they only “wanted the best for me” caused me to hang my head low and avoid their calls. This was a horrendous cycle, yet one I had trouble getting past. The shift happened for me when I decided that I don’t have to make apologies for what I want. I think we (women, especially) are taught so often to accommodate and make compromises that we lose ourselves. The click happened when I learned the Jewish perspective on marriage, that we are all half a soul and when we find a soulmate, the souls combine to make a whole. For some reason, this just set into motion what I’ve been concerned with for years, and I decided that I’m no longer going to date, befriend, or participate in disrespectful friendships or romantic relationships. My mortality has come into question recently and I believe this one body I wear is the most important thing in my life… because it carries my soul. And my soul wants to connect with other souls.
My soul doesn’t feel good when she’s hunched over; rather, I want to give her a body that can stand tall and proudly, who doesn’t judge mistakes, who feels good in the process, not just the outcome. I’m not walking around in a standing forward fold anymore! I want to be a tree who grows and spreads her branches and smiles at the sun.