I Choose Me

Have you ever been caught in the cross-hairs of a decision?

Multiple options sound okay. Nothing sounds perfect, but everything sounds good enough.

You make a pros and cons list.

You check-in with yourself.

You don’t know which way to turn.

You ask your friends and family what you should do. They offer opinions that sound promising since you’re totally at a loss anyway. In the balance of your choices, it’s almost like closing your eyes for a round of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, but instead of this being a childhood game, it’s your life.

You think about the opinions of your friends and family members. You don’t want to disappoint them or select the wrong answer.

You’re really stuck.

Finally, you throw your hands up in the air and decide something.

* * *

I recently made a big decision that surprised many people in my life, myself included.

I have been wavering about getting a new certification. I have wanted to do it, but haven’t wanted to spend the money, devote the time, and wondered if it was necessary.

After mulling it over for a few years, I’ve decided to pursue this desire, this dream.

I wondered how to make the opportunity to further my education happen. I knew the what, but could not figure out the how. And then, an opportunity fell into my lap. All I had to do was say yes.

Saying yes seemed like it should be easy. It was mine for the taking. I momentarily waffled. I spoke to my mom, my dearest confidant. She didn’t help me decide. I was on my own.

I got to work and started my logistical inquiries. I couldn’t make a decision without a few other factors in place. I bargained that if the universe (or friends) worked in my favor, I would say yes. A day later, everything fell into place.

I said yes.

I made a decision and relied on myself, even though part of me wanted someone else, anyone else, to choose for me. I wanted them to have my best interest in mind and I could be indebted to them for the success. Or, if they chose poorly, I could be resentful for the failure. It was all a game.

But I chose. I decided.

I now realize that this was more about me choosing myself. I’m often looking for validation (as most humans are) and trying to have awareness for the collective. It’s become burdensome to worry about everyone else all the time, avoid stepping on toes, and attempt perfection. This was the first time in a very long time that I made a decision to do exactly what felt right to me, regardless of their feelings on my choices.

In the past, I wasn’t picking my needs first. I wasn’t choosing myself but trying to please others first. It was exhausting.

Life is about choosing wisely for ourselves. It’s about noticing our own history and how it relates to our current inquiries. It’s thinking about how we want our lives to feel. Decisions are about how we want our lives to be in the present and in the future.

As you read this, I’d like you to think about some pending decisions in your own life. Ask yourself:

• Are you waiting for someone else to choose for you?
• Are you playing a game of randomness?
• Is your life like a sushi conveyor belt and when the plate stops, that’s what you’ll eat?

I suggest you choose yourself. Choose what’s best for you. Sit with your decision, and then choose again. You won’t be wrong.