Why Are You STILL Single?

“Why are you still single?”

Followed by something to the effect of: “You’re so clever, smart, unique, hot, pretty, interesting, accommodating, friendly, well-kept, have your shit together, normal, weird* (*in a good way), easy to talk to, cool, and loving. I don’t get it.”

It makes my skin crawl, my blood boil, and my brain explode to get asked this invasive, insensitive, polarizing question.

I used to reply with a sheepish apology, something like, “I guess I haven’t met the right person yet.”Over time, the question bugged me more and I grew bitter about being asked.

You see, not everyone wants to be married. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean an engagement ring will solve my problems or make me whole. It’s so insulating to be asked why I’m not married and the single man asking me is in the exact same spot. Isn’t that an occurrence of the pot calling the kettle black?!

“Why aren’t you married yet?” is another way of checking under the hood of a used car. It’s also essentially asking “what’s wrong with you that nobody wants you?”

Amazing, bright, beautiful women may not be married by their mid-thirties because they’re building careers, something their mothers and grandmothers instilled in them from childhood. Previous generations of women had to marry young to gain independence and move out of the family house in their late teens or early twenties. My generation and the millennials coming up are attempting to “have it all” but this often means that dating and marriage are delayed while inspired women build empires and learn about themselves.

Spectacular, sensual women may not be married by their mid-thirties or early forties because they have been in long, healthy relationships with partners who were great in their own right. Or, maybe they had long term partners who were awful but they could not leave. Either way, these women were not sitting around at home counting down the days until someone puts a ring on it. 

Interesting, informed women may not be married because they’d rather be single than marry the wrong person. We all know couples who married young and divorced young because they felt pressure to tie the knot. There are women in their mid thirties who truly don’t want to settle for the sake of losing themselves just to say they have a partner.

Creative, captivating women who have been married may not want to repeat their experiences. They’ve done it once and feel complete not doing it again.

One of my closest friends reminded me that being single by choice is excellent. She likes dating and making decisions for herself that don’t impact a partner.

So why are you still single? Because.

Please visit my website Coaching By Nina Rubin.

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19 thoughts on “Why Are You STILL Single?

  1. I’m single because my first and only marriage was so horrific I never want it to do it again.
    I do have a boyfriend who I live with, so I get asked “when” all the time. I say never and people shake their heads and look at me as though I’m morally corrupt. Perhaps I am. I don’t care 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nina, you know as well as I do that from working with couples, relationships are HARD. I find that the word “single” is an inaccurate description, as it implies that we are not “in relationship”, when in fact we always are–with everyone! What people are really asking is, “Why have you not chosen to be in a FORM of relationship that is shown to be 75% unsuccessful in California?”

    Next time you are asked “Why are you single?”, you can reply, “Because I am smarter than you.” See if THAT shuts them up!

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  3. Although I am happily married, I could be just as happy single. It drives me nuts how people seem to think marriage is the be all and end all to life.

    Yes, marriage is great when it’s right for you and you’re with the right person. But I know it’s not something everyone wants at any given time and that’s okay. People need to mind their own damn business and stop worrying about others’ relationship status.

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  4. Hmmm.

    I answer “Cuz marriage has nothing to do with being cool/beautiful/creative/successful/interesting etc.”

    Marriage is about two halves of one soul reuniting.

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  5. And, I wish I was married. Not because it will solve my problems or make me happy but it will complete me. I’m happy and growing and grateful for my single life and I eagerly await the next stage.
    So no, I’m not single by choice; marrying the wrong guy, one who is not my soulmate, would still leave me single.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I was married once at a somewhat early age. Scary, had no idea what to do or handle certain situations. Seemed to me at the time, that piece of paper changed the relationship for the worst. I get asked the same question all the time. There must be something wrong with you, I hear. No just haven’t met someone that complements me is my reply! About 90% of most people’s lives are a mess and I just don’t want to be a part of it…. Good blog

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  7. When stupid men ask me that I just give them a little Aretha F and Carole K: “I’m a Natural Woman already, thank you very much.”

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  8. I’m single because I LOVE BEING SINGLE. Period. End of story.

    I’m not saying I’m anything spectacular, but if I wanted a relationship, I’d be in one.

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  9. […] My clients and I discuss topics like this, and so many other subjects, regularly. To become a client, please visit my website. This post reminds me of these that you also might like: All You Have To Do Is Ask, Delusions: “You Don’t Know My Boyfriend.”, Why Are You STILL Single?. […]

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